I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
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