I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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