she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
