if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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