Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
