i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
the liver wants what the liver wants
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
