just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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