He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
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I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
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You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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