Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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