my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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