I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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