until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
