I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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