when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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