i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
