all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need Xanax blowdarts
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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