Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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