Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Banned from zoo.
Again?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize