you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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