When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
