Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
