Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
