At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Who did Billy Mays play for?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
