you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Randomize
