Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
