I faked an abortion last night.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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