Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
