the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
