There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
