Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
