I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
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New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
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Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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