I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Randomize
