I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
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We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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