today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
