and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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