I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
we're making bets on your personal life
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
