I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
