Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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