I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Houston, we have a blender
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
