omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
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and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
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Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
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