Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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