made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
