the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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