I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
