then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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