I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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