Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
