i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
