its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I'm too high and old for this...
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
