So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
