Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
