I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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