I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
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