I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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