She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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