I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
