Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
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Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
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Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
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