I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
