i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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