Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
