remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
